This is a bona fide rant wrapped around what I believe are honest and useful observations. So, recently someone published a post on Instagram (hereafter referred to as the IG user) asking her followers what they think the reasons are for the increase in divorce rates amongst the Muslim community.
This was my response:
I think the increase in divorce rates in this generation is because women are not tolerating abuse. Previously women had put up with terrible treatment from husbands, in the Indian subcontinent for example where culture dictates the status of a woman to be far inferior to a man. But their daughters, perhaps more so the second and third generation migrants to the West (I don’t know the stats but from what I can see) now with better Islamic and secular education and a degree of financial independence do not have to put up with this. I think men and their families are slow to realise this issue and are dishing out disrespect to new brides thinking there will be no consequences to their once socially accepted, ugly behaviour.
I really think we as an Ummah (present day global community) should stop lamenting the marriages of our parents’ generations (because boy was there a lot of lamenting on that IG page) and looking at them through rose coloured glasses. The fact is that countless numbers of women suffered terribly in previous generations (N.B. this is not to say that abuse is not still rampant) and we should actually be glad that women are now standing up for the rights that Allah gave them. We need a shift away from sexist cultural mindsets and practices. The younger and older generations should both be educated on the Islamic notion of marriage. The latter group is important as in-laws are one of the main culprits in causing marital discord.
Rather than to take my comments on board as somebody’s observations or experiences (which is what the IG user had requested) she proceeded to flatly tell me I was wrong. Quote below:
I understand what you are saying no woman should have to put up with abuse but this is not the reason why many marriages are failing…we are a generation that gives up too easily, has no patience and are very selfish. It’s a sad state.
I mean if you already know what “the right answer” is, why did you even bother to ask people for their opinions? I wanted to know what basis she had for her self assuredness, was it personal, academic, professional? It turned out to be none of the above, just what she had seen from family/friends’ experiences. It is fair enough to contribute from the stance of observing the experiences of people around you but you cannot then present this as scientific fact to the exclusion of all other factors.
You might be wondering why this has me so wound up. After all a few comments thrown about on Instagram seems a petty thing to be antagonised by. However this IG user has a large number of followers so her stance does have significant social impact. And I feel that the attitude of the IG user, and the attitude that so many people seem to share is detrimental to society for the following reasons:
- It trivialises domestic abuse, brushes it under the carpet and ignores its significant and far reaching social impact.
- It is a refusal to have an open mind and listen to people’s experiences.
- It tarnishes the current generation with wishy washy attributes like being lazy and selfish without any constructive way as to how to move forward or correct such behaviours; or look at why these behaviours have arisen if they claim they were not present to the same extent in previous generations?
And this is not an isolated incident. I’ve seen this topic brought up many times with fellow Muslims complaining a lot (same reasoning as the IG user) but not being willing to take off their rose-coloured glasses, to look under their filthy carpets, to take a long hard look in the mirror. Is it because if they look too carefully, they will see the product of sexist cultural indoctrination over generations still visible in their hearts?
I would like to see this community offer up something constructive on the marriage discourse. What are the obstacles? How can we overcome them? What tools do we need?
Disclaimer: This post is about Muslims. Islam is a religion; if you are Muslim you (in theory) live your life in accordance with Islam. However not all Muslims will do so, the same way that not all Christians follow all 10 Commandments all of the time. My post above is a criticism of sexist cultural traditions (unrelated to Islam), which some Muslims have incorporated into their lives. If they were to actually follow the Islamic teachings on women’s rights, these sexist traditions would be obliterated.
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